THE DATING LAME

When I’m just getting to know a potential mate, I sometimes find myself wondering, “Is [insert guy's name here] a douchebag?” It could be a general sense that something’s not right with his personality, or little behavioral indications that tip me off…Usually, my instincts are right, but, hey, everyone makes allowances sometimes.

So I’ve decided to come up with a list of 50 questions (with the help of my friends) for all the girls out there who may or may not be sure if the guy they’re dating is a douchebag. I’m not suggesting that you ask them all at once. Just peppering them through conversation will give you a good indication.

Please note: This list may be expanded in future postings.

Do you communicate solely through Facebook and/or text messaging?
Do you currently not have a valid drivers license?
Are you a nationally ranked Scrabble player?
Do you have a “quirky” younger brother who may one day make sexually inappropriate advances?
Do you prefer “hanging out” to dating?
Do you talk to other girls just to make the girl you’re dating jealous?
Do you have multiple cats?
Are you a misunderstood artist and/or unpublished author?
Does your mom still buy your underwear and/or do your laundry?
Are you going to correct the spelling/grammar of my flirty emails to you?
Are you notorious for sending a cute IM then immediately signing off before I can respond?
Are you not as cute as you seem to think you are?
Is your go-to cocktail something only sorority girls drink, like Jack and Coke?
Do you own a pastel polo shirt?
Do you have a personal stylist?
Do you regularly use the term MILF?
Do you “pop your collar”?
Do you use more hair product than I do?
Do you have a “wingman”?
Will you only take me out on weekdays?
Do you have a violent reaction to the words “I like you too”?
Do you only text girls after 11 pm?
Do you still have your ex on speed dial?
Do you have a pair of skinny jeans in your closet?
Have any of your Halloween costumes required you to wear a bra and/or skirt?
Is your nickname a description of your penis?
Do you use smiley and frowning faces in all of your text messages?
Are you so cheap that you can’t buy me and my friend a drink?
Do you have any real friends, not including Facebook friends?
Do you not know that it’s best to apologize in person?
Are you going to make a lewd comment about “what you want to eat” (and I’m not talking about food) during dinner?
Are you a huge Dave Matthews and/or Phish fan?
Would you invite me to your place for a get-together and then not talk to me?
Are you a bad tipper?
Do you only hang out with people who are five years younger than you are?
Would you ask me for a ride when you’re going to meet other people and not invite me along?
Do you have multiple fuck buddies?
Do you refer to your ex as a psycho?
Do most of the parties you attend require a wife beater and/or a costume?
Do you smoke pot every day and claim it’s not addictive?
Do you leave parties without saying goodbye—then drunk text expecting to hook up?
Are you completely obvious when adjusting your balls?
Are 85% or more of your phone numbers women?
Do you wear “party shirts,” a.k.a., man blouses?
Do you tell girls what they’re eating is really fattening?
Have you hooked up with my boss?
Do you have tickets to the gun show?
Did you just fart—and pretend you didn’t?
Do you wear Crocs?
Is that a wedding ring you’re sporting?