Breaking Up, the Thirtysomething Edition
August 28, 2008
A friend of mine is in an unhappy relationship. Or rather, she claims that it’s happy but really everything else she says indicates otherwise. She says she wants to marry this guy—but is constantly anxious and upset about the relationship.
I don’t really know what to tell her. Whether it’s with him or without him, happiness is what she deserves, and I’ll support her either way.
There was one serious red flag during a recent conversation. She uttered these words: “The thought of starting over just makes me sick to my stomach.” To me, it sounds like she’s trying to make it work, as Tim Gunn would say, more for fear of being alone than for the relationship itself.
Like me, she’s in her early thirties, and it got me thinking about relationships as we get older. While I think it gets harder to find someone you actually want to date (because we get pickier and pickier), I think it also gets harder to end a relationship because of the dreaded “starting over.” Who really wants to re-enter the dating game at any point, really, but especially above the age of 30?
I’ll admit it: I didn’t think I’d be this single at 30. Sometimes it’s great. Sometimes it sucks. But I have to have faith that any failed relationships didn’t work out for a reason. They wouldn’t have gotten better over time or if they’d gotten more serious; if anything, they’d probably just gotten worse. And that’s what I hope my friend realizes—that an engagement ring isn’t a magic wand. It’s not a band-aid.
It sure is a pretty piece of jewelry, though.
So let’s think about this: pretty piece of jewelry plus miserable married life outweighs a few months of post-breakup agony and some bad dates?
It just doesn’t add up.
August 28, 2008 at 9:14 am
Almost five months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. The idea of starting over in the dating world was horrifying to me. Starting over is a daunting task.
I must admit that sometimes it sucks being single and thirtysomething, but most of the time I feel happier and relieved that I’m not wasting my time in a relationship that wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Now I’m open to the possibility of finding the right guy and, ultimately, getting what I want.
August 28, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I’ve been in your friend’s situation more times than I’d like to admit. When you’ve put so much time, energy, and effort into a relationship, it’s hard to give up on that effort. It’s like waiting for the bus (or for you, a cab). You feel that the longer you wait, the more likely it is to arrive. But that logic doesn’t always work.
It can be hard to tell when a relationship just needs some work to be successful or when it’s never going to work out. And then you have to start over, sometimes doubting your own ability to tell the difference.