THE DATING LAME

The world of online dating is a jungle. From Match.com to eHarmony to Nerve, the options are endless—are so are the misrepresentations and potential rejections. Of course, plenty of people meet their mates online these days, but it can certainly be a frustrating process.

My fabulously funny and just plain fabulous friend Sonia (author of The Sonia Show) wrote this hilarious essay about her online dating experiences, including ten all-important tips for those just dipping their toes into the online dating pool. Enjoy—and please take her advice to heart. Seriously. For all of us.

Read on:

“Dating can be tough, but dating on the Internet can be downright brutal.

Thanks to the anonymity of the web, folks on the dating scene are more comfortable ignoring you, criticizing you or telling you that your photo makes you look like Spiderpig. Anyone who has played the virtual dating game knows what I’m typing about here. It’s just easier to diss someone via email rather than face-to-face.

It’s also easier to lie about yourself and trick someone into a date. Online, you can tell someone you look like George Clooney and are rolling in the dough. But, when you show up looking like Rosemary Clooney and take her to Taco Bell, well, there won’t be a second date.

Sure, I know people who have met the love of their life on a dating website. But, I also know people who have crawled out a bathroom window at a restaurant to escape a date gone wrong.

I’ve gone as far as faking a family emergency to flee an Internet date. He was a nice guy, but he said Meet the Parents is his favorite movie. There’s just some things I can’t tolerate in a potential mate: Racism, sexism, homophobia, hatred of animals and thinking Meet the Parents is funny. I’m only human, people.

I once spent hours filling out applications and taking quizzes only to be told by eHarmony that they can’t find me a match. Seriously?!? You have an estimated 6 million subscribers. Not one was a match? If that doesn’t dampen your dating spirit I don’t know what will.

So anyway, folks who meet people the old-fashioned way — you know, in bars — don’t appreciate the amount of courage it takes to post personal things about yourself with a photo and wax poetic about what you are looking for in a mate on a website in the hopes that someone will like what they see and try to chat you up.

Don’t worry, dear readers. I’m here to help you out. Here’s a handy list of things you need to know about creating your dating site profile that will ensure success:

1. Don’t put reading as a hobby. Reading is not a hobby. Hang gliding is a hobby. Reading is fundamental.

2. Speaking of … don’t list eating as a hobby. Eating is a necessity. You might as well put breathing and emptying your bladder when it’s full as a hobby as well.

3. Don’t be too honest. Don’t go on and on about your divorce or the lying, cheating bitch who stole your money and broke your heart. Save that conversation for a later date … waaaay later.

4. People who say they ‘love to relax’ are lazy.

5. Just because you love to watch football doesn’t mean you can put your physical build as ‘athletic.’

6. Don’t say that you are looking for someone just like your mom or dad. That’s just creepy.

7. Speaking of … don’t say you are looking for someone just like you. That’s creepy, too. No one should date themselves. You might as well just stay at home and masturbate.

8. Anyone who uses the term ‘detail oriented’ on a dating site is best avoided. This person has mistaken their dating profile for a resume.

9. Don’t post the photo of you and your hot BFF. It screams, ‘Go out with me and meet my sexy friends.’ OR worse than that, don’t post a pic of you and your ex. That screams, ‘I’m not over it yet.’

10. Along those lines, ladies, do not post a photo of you and your pet, especially a cat. It makes you look like a crazy cat lady. And no one wants that.”