The Facebook Strikes Back
December 3, 2008
Just the other day, I got a reminder of the cold, impersonal times we live in—and since I haven’t written about my beloved Facebook in a while, I figured I might as well offer some commentary.
A friend just broke up with his longtime girlfriend, and because I’m friends with both of them on Facebook, I got this lovely message in my News Feed:
“X and XX ended their relationship.”
Ouch. Blunt, to say the very least. I’d already heard about it from him, so I wasn’t shocked, but what a way to announce the news to the world.
But let’s not get TOO serious here. On the flip side, the brilliant site Passive Aggressive Notes, which is hilarious in and of itself, actually has some great examples of how Facebook updates have changed the relationship sphere. Take this guy, for instance, who in a fit of passion used his status update, though horribly misspelled, to call out a cheating girlfriend:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com
While in this case, although it’s kind of funny to read, is it a good or a bad thing to be able to broadcast the most intimate details of your relationship to anyone who’s your acquaintance on Facebook? Sure, it spells easy revenge, but…maybe it’s time to return to the old-school way of handling breakups, and just bad-mouthing your ex to your friends for a few months. And, you know, giving them dirty looks in public and such. Maybe even toilet papering their house.
Doesn’t it make you wish for the good old days? Ha.
Top Ten Post-Breakup Songs
December 1, 2008
In yesterday’s Social Q’s column in the New York Times, writer Philip Galanes advised a just-jilted young lady to listen to Pink’s “So What?” at top volume every morning to pump herself up. Bravo, Mr. Galanes. Not a bad little piece of advice.
I started thinking about about some of my favorite fuck-you songs to get back in the groove after a devastating breakup. Keep in mind, these aren’t introspective, “sit around and mope” songs. There are only so many weepy ballads you can listen to in your pajamas before your friends start threatening an intervention.
Instead, these are “I’m going out with my girls tonight and you can bet your ass I’m making out with someone on the dance floor” songs. There’s nothing like that first night you throw on your favorite going-out ensemble and get back “out there”; these are the songs you should listen to while you’re putting on your makeup and having that personality drink (or am I the only one who does that? Hmmm.).
In any case, here’s my post-breakup playlist:
“Single Ladies (Put a RIng on It)” Beyonce
“Goodbye to You” Scandal
“My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)” En Vogue
“Since U Been Gone” Kelly Clarkson
“Brand New Lover” Dead or Alive
“Smile” Lily Allen
“No Scrubs” TLC
“What Have You Done for Me Lately?” Janet Jackson
“Womanizer” Britney Spears
“The Sign” Ace of Base
And of course, Pink would be on there, too. As another musician, the wise Neil Sedaka, once said, “breaking up is hard to do.” So let’s face it: There’s no need to prolong the pain with sappy love songs. At least, not after the first day or two.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go dance around my room.
Dating Lame, Will You Marry Me? Why Yes, Dating Lame, I Will.
October 14, 2008
I got to go try on veils today.
My life recently took an ironic twist when I started working for a bridal magazine. Yes, the single girl who writes a somewhat cynical blog about dating, love and relationships is working for a magazine about weddings and all things wedding-related. Oh, the joy.
As for today, I’ll set the scene for you. I was in one of San Francisco’s most elegant bridal salons. Bejeweled Reem Acra and immaculately draped Ulla Meier dresses in rich shades of cream and white surrounded me, while a giddy bride-to-be modeled a princess-y strapless number in front of a massive three-way mirror.
As a girl who wants to get married—not, like, tomorrow or anything, but someday—it was all just a little too surreal, like being in a candy store where you’re not allowed to eat any of the candy.
I’m actually going to be photographed in the veil next week, which kind of seems like cruel and unusual punishment, now that I think about it. But still, aside from the obvious reminder that I’m still single and nowhere near getting married, I think the best part of the day was when the sales associate (who was actually quite lovely) asked who the model for the photo shoot was going to be, and looked more than a little taken aback when I said, “Um…it’s me.”
This is all just more material for the screenplay, people.
How NOT to Start An Online Dating Email: “Venus Sent You to Me”
October 8, 2008
My intense dislike for online dating shall, for the moment, forge on.
This is a perfect example of why I don’t believe in it: Following are excerpts from an actual email a friend of mine received from a potential suitor on Match.com.
Would YOU want to date this man, I ask? Read on:
“Venus sent you to me and I felt resonate with your profile. After seeing your charming and warm smile, I asked myself, Heaven must be missing an angel! I couldn’t help responding to your profile.
I believe that we share similar values and have a few common interests. You seem to be sincere, unpretentious, and down-to-earth, and they are qualities that I truly admire in a person.
Being as romantic as I am, I would welcome the opportunity to worship the ground you walk on if you open your heart to me.
Please keep smiling as your smile makes this world a more beautiful place to live in. Thanks for taking the time to read my letter and I certainly look forward to hearing from you soon.”
Nice, polite guy? I’m sure. But I still just vomited in my mouth.
eHarmony? More Like eHey, Thanks, But No Thanks.
October 7, 2008
I have a dirty little secret.
After years of mocking the world of online dating, I, the Dating Lame, filled out eHarmony’s personality quiz.
I’d tried Match.com a few years back but was disillusioned after my top “match” based on a bunch of quizzes was actually someone I’d been out on a blind date with just weeks earlier and with whom I’d had zero chemistry (nice guy, just no chemistry). To me, that proved that online dating, with all its quizzes and charts and statistics, doesn’t magically create a spark.
So why eHarmony now? I dunno, boredom? Curiosity? I mean, why not give it a spin?
Well, I was quickly reminded why I hate online dating: What felt like seconds after I had finished the questionnaire, I was immediately bombarded with potential “matches” like some 48 year-old dude named Bob in San Leandro. I’ve also been getting annoying “reminders” to update my profile with a photo and to fork over some cash to join the site.
Surprise, surprise: I haven’t joined, and I’m 99.99% sure I won’t. I don’t know why I am so anti-online dating. Maybe it’s my ego, and that I don’t feel like I should have to resort to meeting people on the internets. Maybe it’s just that it feels so forced. Maybe that it’s that they’re asking me to shell out some hard-earned cash. I don’t know. I. just. can’t. do. it.
I know plenty of people who have had great online dating experiences; one of my friends from college met her husband on Match. Other friends have dated people for months that they’ve met online.
I guess I’m just an old-fashioned kind of gal: I’d rather meet my mates slightly tipsy in bars or through friends at parties—or recycle old ones that didn’t work out on the first go-round so that I can painfully learn (again) why we didn’t mesh to begin with.
Maybe it’s time to take out a personals ad on Craigslist. Kidding. Or am I?
Has “Douchebag” Had its Day?
October 5, 2008
One of my friends hates the word “douchebag.” In fact, she tells me pretty regularly how much she hates that I use it on the blog so much.
I think it’s a funny word. I mean, what could be more insulting than to be compared to a pretty much useless object that’s stuck up a woman’s hoo-ha? For jerky boys who are useless in and of themselves, I personally think there’s no better term.
Apparently the editors over at Esquire think that the word has had its day, so much so that a few months ago they proposed a moratorium. According to them, the word has become so overused in pop culture that it’s begun to lose its effectiveness.
I don’t know. It still kinda makes me chuckle. And, at least it’s not technically a naughty curse word. I don’t think the “Asshole Questionnaire,” “Dickhead Questionnaire” or “Cocksucker Questionnaire” (my favorite alternative) have quite the same ring as “D-Bag,” but, hey, I’ll give it some thought.
To read the Esquire article, click here.
Where Have All the Real Men Gone? (And Other Thoughts on Paul Newman)
September 29, 2008
I cried when I found out that Paul Newman died last Friday. Not sobbing crying, but I was genuinely upset.
He was one of my first real silver screen crushes; I remember seeing Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid when I was young and barely even noticing Robert Redford. His acting talents go without saying. Just think of some of the classic characters he’s played: Butch. Hud. Cool Hand Luke. Eddie Felson. Rocky Graziano. Then, of course, there’s his charity work with Newman’s Own. The man’s resume speaks for itself.
Paul Newman, to me anyway, was the kind of man that could make women’s hearts skip a beat—but who any guy would kill to have at his weekly poker game. He possessed that rare combination of good looks and charm, while being a man’s man through and through. It was just as easy to picture him out on the town with a gal in red lipstick and high heels as it was to imagine him behind the wheel of a race car, one of his great passions.
But really, one of the things I truly loved about Paul Newman is that whenever I read an interview with him, it was easy to tell he was just a no-bullshit kind of guy. He told it like it was. And the man loved his wife. One of my all-time favorite quotes is when he was asked about fooling around with other women he said, “I have steak at home. Why go out for hamburger?” Now that’s the kind of guy I want to meet. He and Joanne Woodward were married for 50 years.
Where are the Paul Newmans of today? The John Waynes? Even the Cary Grants? I think that the media tries to compare George Clooney to these legends, but to me he feels like a cheap imitation (and don’t get me wrong, I do love me some Clooney). He’s too polished, too shiny. It just feels like the swagger is gone.
I think that today’s men—and I use the term “men” loosely, because I feel like most of my contemporaries are stuck in an adolescent limbo of sorts—could learn a few things from Mr. Newman. Work hard. Play hard. Tell it like it is. Give credit where credit’s due. Have a little class. And, for Chrissakes, love your wife.
I’ll leave you with a few of his own classic quotes that I think sum up Mr. Newman pretty well:
“Show me a good loser and I will show you a loser.”
“People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked.”
And my personal favorite:
“If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.”
Talking? These Days, Why Bother?
September 23, 2008
I really enjoy the “Modern Love” column in the Sunday New York Times. It’s one of the first things I look for in my favorite section (”Sunday Styles,” baby).
I meant to write about last week’s column last week, but something just reminded me of it. In “So, Tell Me Everything I Know About You,” writer Joanna Pearson talks about the hazards of Googling/Facebooking/online stalking someone before a first date. She recounts the tale of going on a date and having to pretend she didn’t already know all sorts of personal info she’d already found online—and not remembering whether she’d read some of it online or it had come from their first meeting.
It’s funny, because a similar situation happened to me just last night. A friend I was out with was telling me about a project he’s working on. He mentioned that he’d uploaded a photo of it to Facebook, and I admitted, “Yeah, I’ve already seen it.” He joked, “Why even bother talking anymore?”
Sadly, it’s kind of true. The temptation to look at other people’s photos, personal info, employment history, whatever, is palpable. And it’s just so damn EASY. The information is literally at our fingertips—in many cases, just a few clicks away.
Through status updates and Twitters, you can literally know what another person is doing every moment of the day. Got a crush? You know that they ate a burrito for lunch. Your BFF? You know she just bought that pair of Marc Jacobs shoes she’s been coveting. That guy who thinks his status updates are really clever? You know that he “is.”
I kind of miss the mystery. Remember when the only way to communicate was to call each other…at home? Or when email was considered high tech? Now, there’s almost no differentiation between our private lives and these public personas we create—and it’s all out there, for anyone to see.
I’m not saying I’m never going to Google/Facebook someone before I go out with them. I’m just saying that it’d be nice, for a change, to be surprised. And to actually find out about a person by talking to them, not by clicking through a carefully crafted profile.
But then again, I’m the one who looked at my friend’s photo online. And admitted it.
Read Joanna Pearson’s article by clicking here.
The 007 Way for Ladies to Carry Condoms: Safe Sex Made Stylish
September 19, 2008
A friend and I were rifling through her gift bag from an event last night—which raised money for AIDS research and awareness—and she pulled out this thing that looked just like a Clinique makeup compact…only, it wasn’t filled with pressed power. When you opened it up, there were two LifeStyles condoms at the ready.
It was a Just in Case condom compact. I’ve gotta say, it’s a pretty ingenious little invention. It’s completely discreet, sleek and easy to fit in your clutch:
I almost can’t believe I’m writing about it; condoms aren’t exactly the sexiest subject—but I was seriously impressed. And really, who wants to have a bunch of condoms floating around in their purse?
I mean, think about it, ladies. Isn’t safe sex always in style?
Gawd, they should hire me to write their ad copy.
Check out all of the different Just in Case compacts at http://www.justincaseinc.com.
